CIRCA: 1599 Feudal Japan
TIME OF DAY: Just before dawn
CHARACTERS: (based on a quasi-true story and inspired by real people)
• Ninja Ono: The leader of the Bumbling Ninja Clan. Dictatorial and shouts constantly.
• Ninja Ishi: The most athletic ninja of the group but is consumed with calculating every detail of, well, everything. Previously a mathematician at the Nijo Castle.
• Ninja Yosh: Known for her bravado and bravery. Previously a lifeguard on the beaches of Toyama Bay.
• Ninja Kei: Clumsy and cloddish. Previously, a personal chef for a famous Shogun until she was fired for dropping a rice cooker on the Shogun’s foot.
ACT 1: THE COLOR OF NINJA
Ninja Ono: WHERE’S KEI?
Ninja Yosh: I think she’s still trying to get that headgear on.
Ninja Ishi: Yeah. She accidentally washed it in hot water yesterday and it shrunk. If my calculations are correct, it shrunk one head size.
Ninja Ono: OH, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. KEI? KEI? GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE!
Ninja Kei: (running out of the forest) Sorry, man. I couldn’t get my damn mask on.
Ninja Ono: FOR NIRVANA’S SAKE. WHY ARE YOU WEARING CANARY YELLOW? DIDN’T YOU GET MY MEMO??? IT’S FUSCHIA FRIDAY! FUSCHIA FRIDAY!!! <Ono’s face turns fuschia as she shouts at Kei>
Ninja Kei: Sorry, I think my cat chewed up the memo.
ACT 2: WALKING ON WATER AND THE FLYING THING
Ninja Ono: NOW WE NEED TO MAKE UP FOR LOST TIME! YOSH? I NEED YOU TO WALK ON WATER AND FLY OVER THE BAMBOO FOREST. SCOPE OUT THE ENEMY! FIND OUT WHAT THEY’RE UP TO.
Ninja Ishi: If my calculations are correct, the enemy should be about 2 kilometers beyond the forest.
Ninja Yosh: Wait, hang on. I need to find my harness and then wire up to do the flying thing.
Ninja Ono: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHAT HARNESS? WHAT WIRE?
Ninja Yosh: You know, like in that movie, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. They used wires. Or did you think Ninjas really fly? (says with snarky tone)
Ninja Ono: YES, I THOUGHT NINJAS REALLY FLY. OH, HELP ME, BUDDHA. (more snarkiness)
Ninja Yosh: Oh, and another thing, I don’t know how to swim.
Ninja Ono: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SWIM. YOU CAN WALK ON WATER, REMEMBER? THAT’S WHAT NINJAS DO!
ACT 3: THE POISONOUS DARTS
Ninja Kei: I have the poisonous darts. Oh, crap.
Ninja Ono: NOW WHAT?
Ninja Kei: I’m missing one. 1-2-3-…..yup. I’m missing one dart.
Ninja Ishi: If my calculations are correct, I did witness you cleaning 4 poisonous darts last night and saw you grab 4 darts this morning.
Ninja Ono: YEOWEE! (as she sits on the nearby rock)
Ninja Kei: Oh. That’s where I dropped the missing dart.
ACT 4: THE FARTING BUNS
Ninja Ono: OH BUDDHA. WHAT IS THAT STINKY SMELL?
Ninja Kei: Sorry, I baked some Farting Buns last night. And I ate the whole batch and I’m kind of gassy this morning. But I made an extra batch and I can…….
Ninja Yosh: (returning from her very important mission) Looks like we lucked out! The enemy has retreated! Yikes! What’s that awful smell?
Ninja Ono: EXCELLENT WORK, YOSH. AT EASE EVERYONE. LET’S CELEBRATE WITH SOME SAKE AND FARTING BUNS. KEI, DID YOU SAY YOU MADE AN EXTRA BATCH?
For the backstory, go to A Day in the Life of a Daring Ninja
